Evaluation of the Presidential Candidates

by Irky on October 19, 2012

Romney & ObamaI have watched the debates. I have listened to the ads. I have studied these candidates in ways you earthlings do not. The differences between the candidates are quite obvious, and I think those differences must be evaluated before you elect your new president.

I would not be much of a reporter if I didn’t point out the most obvious traits of these two candidates. I’ll start with Mr. Romney…

Mitt Romney kind of looks like Frankenstein’s Monster.

He really does. Trust me on this. Now, the question we must ask ourselves is this: How will that impact his Presidency?

His uncanny resemblance to the doctor’s creation will most strongly impact foreign relations. I am certain some foreign leader will make the connection (or worse, actually believe he is the monster) and try to take advantage of that.

Here’s an example of how a meeting with the president of France might go:

Romney: “Thank you for seeing me, Mr. President.”

President of France: “No problem. You will do what I say, or I shall unleash… THIS!”

Romney: “What are you doing, sir?”

President of France: “I’m holding a match in front of your face! It’s FIRE! FIRE BAD!”

Romney: “Sir, I’m not Frankenstein’s monster.”

President of France: “Oh. Well, you look like him. You should play him in a movie or something.”

Now, to be fair, I don’t know if it will cause the president of France to have a lower opinion of Mr. Romney. I suppose it all depends on whether or not the president of France likes Frankenstein.

A possible benefit of this condition is that Romney can enter meetings while screaming, “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I’M FRANKENSTEIN!!!”

It might put the other leaders on edge, which could give Romney a tactical advantage.

As Americans, you should evaluate all possible benefits and consequences of the fact that Romney looks like Frankenstein’s monster.

Moving on to President Obama, there’s a trait we simply should not ignore.

Obama has rather large ears for a human being.

Now, on the surface that might not be a big deal. But do we want to give bullies an invitation to abuse our President?

Here’s how a meeting with the president of France might go for Obama:

Obama: “Thank you for seeing me, Mr. President.”

President of France: “No problem. Thank you for hearing me. Of course, you probably could hear me from Washington! HAHAHAHAHA!”

Obama: “I don’t understand what you mean, sir.”

President of France: “I mean you have big ears.”

Obama: “Oh.”

That could very easily shift the balance of power in a meeting between world leaders. On the other hand, it’s entirely possible that with his large ears, Obama could hear what was being said in other rooms. That could be a great asset to a president. On my world, we use telepaths for that.

You must evaluate these aspects of the candidates and decide which will be more beneficial to you as Americans. Would you rather have President Frankenstein or President Big Ears.

Think it over, America…

That’s enough for now… In my next article, I’ll evaluate the smiles of both candidates. A President’s smile can mean the difference between, “Let’s be allies” and “You’re hiding something… I DECLARE WAR!”

It’s important, but don’t worry. I’ll get you through it.

—Irky

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