Well, we decided to put that controversy to rest. Through technology provided by Irky, we obtained a translator that allowed us to have an actual conversation with a turkey. We feel that letting you see what a turkey actually thinks might help you to decide whether or not your guilt is justified.
The interview was conducted by our own William Cadderly.
Cadderly: Thank you, Mr. Turkey, for agreeing to this interview. We at QRE feel that you deserve to be heard in regards to this particular holiday. It’s a joyful day for most Americans, but we do have concerns that turkeys consider this a day of horror. What are your thoughts on the matter?
Turkey: I ****** your mom last night.
Cadderly: Excuse me?
Turkey: You heard me, pip squeak. I ****** your mom, and she liked it.
Cadderly: I can appreciate “your mom” jokes as much as the next guy, but I think you should know that my parents passed away several years ago.
Turkey: I know. That made it extra wonderful. I didn’t have to be… generous, if you know what I mean.
Cadderly: Okay, I think we should move on. I requested this interview because I feel that turkeys deserve to be heard when it comes to the mass slaughter of—
Turkey: You’re a fart-face.
Cadderly: Turkeys all over the… wait. Did you just call me a fart-face?
Turkey: It’s because your breath smells like poop.
Cadderly: Look, I’m trying to help you here, but if you’re just going to be crude, I can end this interview right now.
Turkey: I’m sorry.
Cadderly: No problem. I’m sure you’re just nervous.
Turkey: You didn’t let me finish. I was saying that I’m sorry you’re such a little pansy. I mean, that stuff I said about your dead mom… that wasn’t just mean. It was awful. A real man would have hit me right then and there, but you didn’t. You just stammered around like the little pansy you are.
Cadderly: Do you want to continue this interview or not?
Turkey: I do, I do. I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right. I’m just nervous. I get crude when I get nervous. What’s your next question?
Cadderly: Well, it’s not a question so much as it’s an invitation for you to speak on behalf of—
Turkey: I love Hitler.
Cadderly: Did you just say you love Hitler?
Turkey: No. I said I love bird seed. You heard me wrong.
Cadderly: It sounded like you said you love Hitler.
Turkey: Look, I didn’t say that. If you’re just gonna start accusing me of random crap, I’ll end this interview right now!
Cadderly: Sorry. We’ll move on. As I was saying—
Turkey: I do love Hitler, though. Seriously. He was awesome.
Cadderly: Okay, I know I heard you say it that time!
Turkey: Say what?
Cadderly: That you love Hitler! I heard it!
Turkey: Do you have a sister?
Cadderly: This interview is over.
Turkey: Okay, okay! Please, let me say one last thing. Just one thing, and we’re done. I was joking around before, but I need to say this on behalf of turkeys everywhere.
Cadderly: Okay. Go ahead.
Turkey: Hail Satan.
Cadderly: You know what? I’m glad you’re going to get eaten! You’re a bad person, Turkey! You really are!
Turkey: Well, at least I don’t have to worry about you eating me. I’m sure you’re a vegetarian.
Editor’s note: After this interview, we had Cadderly interview 27 other turkeys. They all went pretty much the same way. It’s our hope that this interview will help you decide if eating turkeys is a good thing or a bad thing.
Cadderly, of course, was given a written warning in regards to his unprofessional outburst.