How the QRE Staff Would Really React to a Zombie Apocalypse

Ivey ZombieIrky: Guys, sorry about the zombie apocalypse. It was an accident.

Cadderly: Apologize later! There are hundreds of zombies chasing us. Right now, I suggest we just keep running!

Jake: Those things are NOT zombies! Zombies are Haitian slaves. Those things are ghouls… or simply undead… but they’re NOT zombies!

Garv: Guys, we should stop running and have a meeting about this.

Cadderly: Are you serious? We’re being chased by zombies!

Jake: Ghouls.

Garv: Seriously, guys. We should stop and discuss this.

Justin: Now?

Garv: Yes.

Brandon: All this running is causing you to have another heart attack, isn’t it.

Garv: Yes.

Cadderly: Okay, let’s duck into this alley!

Brandon: I have Tony on Face-time. Tony, is the apocalypse happening in LA?

Tony: Not yet. Ha ha!

Justin: Okay, guys, I can save us! I’m like a super scout. I can scurry up this fire escape and get into the building from the roof, then unlock the alley door so you all can come in!

Cadderly: Hopefully, they didn’t see us duck into this alley. There was a bunch on that street. I counted 143.

Jake: You counted them?

Brandon: Hey, that’s the same amount of fans I have on Facebook.

Jake: Why’d you count the ghouls?

Garv: QRE has over 250 fans. BOOYAH! You might be a bestselling author, but I have more Facebook fans!

Justin: Guys, can someone pull down this fire escape ladder for me? I can’t reach it.

Brandon: I helped you build those fans, jerk. Besides, my fan base is growing faster. You’ve been around for years.

Cadderly: Bigger fish to fry, guys. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we’re currently hiding from a horde of zombies.


Irky: Justin is so cute. He keeps jumping for that ladder, but just can’t reach it. He’s like the little engine that couldn’t.

Garv: QRE totally destroys you on Facebook fans. Accept it.

Brandon: That’s it! I’m challenging you to a fan war! One week. Whoever can gain the most new fans wins.

Cadderly: There you go, Justin. I got the ladder for you. Now get up there and get that door unlocked.

Garv: You’re on. As soon as this zombie thing—

Jake: Ghouls.

Garv: As soon as this ghoul thing is over, we’re having a fan war!

Cadderly: SHUT THE [expletive deleted] UP!

Jake: Whoah.

Cadderly: You’re seriously talking about a [expletive deleted] fan war?!?! SERIOUSLY!? We’re in the middle of a [expletive deleted] ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

Jake: I explained this already, Bill. They’re aren’t—

Cadderly: SHUT YOUR [expletive deleted] MOUTH, JAKE! I Don’t give the tiniest [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] what you call them! They’re called zombies now and have been for THIRTY [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] YEARS!

Irky: Bill, I think you need to—

Cadderly: [expletive deleted] you, Irky. [expletive deleted] you. You started this!


Cadderly: This is how it’s gonna play out.

Garv: Bill, all due respect buddy, but you’re not in charge here.

Cadderly: Shut up.

Garv: Seriously, if you keep up the attitude, I’m going to write you—

Cadderly: I said shut your [expletive deleted] mouth, you barely coherent piece of [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] dog [expletive deleted].

Brandon: Whoah.

Cadderly: This is how it’s gonna play out. Justin is going to unlock that door. We’re going inside, and all of you are going to shut your [expletive deleted] mouths until this whole thing blows over. Got it?

Garv: Wow. Cadderly’s found his—

Cadderly: GOT IT?

Garv: Got it.

Brandon: Got it.

Jake: Got it. But they’re still ghouls.

Cadderly: I swear to everything I hold holy, I will stab you in the throat with all seven of my [expletive deleted] pens.

Jake: They’re zombies.

Justin: Guys…

Cadderly: Why are you still on the fire escape? You’re supposed to be letting us in!

Justin: I couldn’t reach the roof from the top of the fire escape. I’ll need someone to give me a boost.

Tony: Ha ha!

Garv: Okay, Cadderly’s plan was a big whopping failure. I think there’s only one way to get out of here unnoticed.

Brandon: Chicken dance?

Cadderly: Oh, for [expletive deleted] sake.

Garv: Chicken dance.

Cadderly: *sigh*

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