A Letter to the Editor

by Garv on December 12, 2012

Garv welcomes letters to the editor, and takes any complaints about the site or staff quite seriously. Here’s a letter we received just today:

From Trinkit, the Christmas Elf

Dear Quiet Room Editors,

I am writing this letter in response to a letter we received last week from one of your employees (Justin). Here is the letter Santa received:

Dear Santa,

I have been keeping very detailed records for the past year. I have determined that Garv was naughty a total of seventeen (17) times in 2012. Brandon was naughty twelve (12) times. Jake was naughty fourteen (14) times.

I have been naughty a total of nine (9) times in 2012. I feel this is a very objective determination of my naughtiness.

I am sending this letter to respectfully remind you that – based on my empirical data – if you bring Garv, Jake, or Brandon presents, you are required to bring me presents as well.

Last year, I received nothing, yet Garv, Jake, and Brandon all came to work showing off the great presents they received from you. While I was certain they were naughty more often than me, I didn’t have the data to back it up.

This year is different. I have the data (see the attached spreadsheet for specific details of each “Naughty Incident”).

If Garv, Brandon, and Jake show up at work after Christmas this year with presents they received from you, I will have no choice but to take this matter to court.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to my presents.

-Justin

There are several aspects of this letter that disturb us here at the NP:

1. Justin is over 30 years old. He does not qualify for presents from Santa. This has nothing to do with being naughty or nice. It’s purely based on our age restriction. We are sometimes willing to extend the age limit in extreme circumstances, but he’s over 30. We simply can’t extend it that far.

2. None of the people named in his letter received presents from Santa last year. Not Garv, not Brandon, not Jake. We can only assume that you told Justin you had received those presents from Santa when in fact, you did not. Now, we’re not unreasonable here at the NP. We can appreciate a good joke. But we feel this particular joke has been played out and should be abandoned.

We don’t feel it’s unreasonable to request that you tell Justin the truth. We have a very busy schedule here at the NP and – quite frankly – we don’t have time to drag the Big Guy into court because of your practical joke.

Not that we’re required to anyway. American law has no jurisdiction over the NP, but to keep relations positive, we try to work within your rules.

None of that will be necessary, however, if you just fix the problem you created. We would be very appreciative.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Trinkit, the Christmas Elf

p.s. Have a very Merry Christmas!


Dear Trinkit et al.,

Thank you for reaching out to us on this matter. Please know that we here at QRE take these matters as seriously as you do, and that we hold you and yours in the highest esteem.

Before I begin, let me state the following: Justin is a [expletive deleted] liar. All of us here are aware of this fact. And while I’m sure you are too busy to check this fact for yourself, especially at the given time, you would find in your records that he was often one of the top denizens of the big guy’s ‘naughty list’.

Below, please find my responses to your points in the order in which they were given.

1. We have, time and again, also explained to Justin the 30-year old rule. Not just in relation to gifts from Santa, but in regards to playground areas at fast food restaurants, children’s clothing shopping in various department stores, and asking for a sucker at the bank drive-thru window.

2. The gifts that Garv, Brandon and Jake received last year were from each other; Justin simply misunderstood. I’m sure you’re aware of the business tradition of ‘Secret Santa’, where names are drawn and gifts are exchanged anonymously. When we instituted a $20 spending limit on these gifts, Justin replied, and I quote, “[expletive deleted] that. If I’m not getting an iPad, I’m not buying [expletive deleted] for anybody.”

We tried to convey to him the idea that Santa, secret or otherwise, is solely about the idea of giving, not receiving, but he wouldn’t hear it. While we’re not at liberty to say who bought what, I can give you a rundown of the gifts that were received:

Garv got a t-shirt with a picture of Jake on it (approx. value $13)
Brandon got a flower that was completely free of petals (approx. value $2)
Jake got an actual piece of the fragments of the planet Krypton (approx value unknown – we’re pretty sure this was Irky, but he won’t admit to it)
Cadderly got a rock (approx value – $.34)
Irky got a month’s subscription to the ‘Accountants Gone Wild’ website (approx. value – $3.99 per month)
Frankenstein’s Monster got a copy of Day Soldiers (approx. value – $2.99, available at Amazon.com and other online retailers)
Tony was in LA, so he was ineligible for the exchange. We did, however, all chip in and send him a basket of cookies.

Justin, as we said, refused to participate.

Again, please note that we take issues such as this quite seriously. We will do everything in our power to rectify this situation in-house. I will, however, go so far as to invite you personally to our next staff meeting. We meet on Monday evenings at COB (5pm EST). I realize you’re very busy at this time of year, but I’m also aware that you guys have forms of transport that aren’t normally available to the general public. So, if you have time and would like to discuss this matter personally, please feel free to drop by.

Sincerely,

Garv

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