EDITOR’S NOTE: The opinions and views expressed by Jake in no way reflect the opinions held by QRE, its staff, management or stockholders. Or anyone sane.
Bestselling Author Brandon Hale’s birthday is today. I was asked to write a brief laudation.
Wait, laudation? Whatever.
I have no idea why. I mean, I was gonna write about ‘Big Trouble in Little China’.
You know, Garv’s birthday just came and went and we didn’t have to write squat.
I don’t even know when Cadderly’s birthday is – nor do I care.
Irky’s people don’t generally celebrate the hatching of their litters.
But since Bran is a bestselling author (you can check out booksfromhale.com to look at his stuff, if you haven’t already), it was decided that he’s our star attraction, so we should ride those coattails all the way.
Never mind that Bestselling Author Brandon Hale barely writes anything on this site. He’s always busy either writing or promoting a bestseller. Never mind that I have, by far, been pulling his weight – and everyone else’s – since this site went back on in October (and then back on AGAIN in April).
Where was I?
So it’s the Golden Boy’s birthday! That’s what matters! It’s the only important thing that’s going on.
I am NOT jealous. No, I’m not. We can’t all be the birthday boy, can we?
I bet he gets presents. And cake. And ice cream.
No, but seriously, Bran’s a great guy. They’re all great guys, here. Except William.
Seriously, I love these guys so much…
Not, you know, like THAT. I mean, I got a little experimental in college, sure. It was the 90′s. People were wearing black lipstick and dog collars and lace. The women and the men.
I remember this one party where this chick…
EDITOR’S SECOND NOTE: Sometime this morning, our orderly found Jake slumped over the DictaScribe(TM), a device developed by Irky that transcribes the spoken word into article format. We never use that thing, because of the radiation. After slapping him around and forcing him under a cold shower, we put him to bed, to sleep it off. We couldn’t pry the bottle from his hand. And we tried – he was guzzling formaldehyde and chasing it with buttermilk. The smell is absolutely wretched.
Due to his rather lengthy and densely worded contract, Jake’s submissions to this site, no matter how incoherent, are required to be posted – this was obviously a bad decision on our part, and we apologize, again.
We think the essence of what Jake was trying to say can be summed up by saying, “Happy Birthday, Bran!”