Santa Claus: A QRE Interview by William Cadderly

Cadderly: Thank you for granting this interview, Mr. Claus. I know you’re very busy this time of year.

Santa: It’s my pleasure, William. I consider it an opportunity to let the kids of the world get to know me better. The kids, after all, are why I do—

Cadderly: Speaking of kids, do you think morbid obesity is a good message to send to kids?

Santa: Excuse me?

Cadderly: You’re morbidly obese, sir. You’re also a hero to children all over the globe. Do you think you’re being a good role model in regards to proper diet and exercise?

Santa: I wouldn’t describe myself as morbidly obese. Most people describe me as “jolly.”

Cadderly: “Jolly” is a description of a personality trait. Use whatever word you want, Mr. Clause – if that is your real name – but the fact remains, you are not in good physical condition.

Santa: I’m immortal and magical. I don’t really have to worry about that.

Cadderly: Children are not immortal or magical! And you’re telling them it’s okay to live on cookies and milk.

Santa: I didn’t come here to talk about my weight. If you want to discuss something else, fine. Otherwise, I have things to do.

Cadderly: Fair enough. We’ll move on… to breaking and entering.

Santa: Huh?

Cadderly: I’m assuming you have written permission from every homeowner that grants you permission to break into their homes on Christmas Eve.

Santa: What’s wrong with you, son?

Cadderly: Nothing’s wrong with me, sir. I’m not the one with the ability to breach any security system on the planet. Do you think you’re a threat to national security?

Santa: Don’t be silly. I enter homes to give children presents. I don’t take anything. Except cookies and milk, of course.

Cadderly: That may or may not be true when it comes to you, but what about your elves. What kind of background checks do you do on them?

Santa: They’re Christmas elves. It’s not like I hire wood elves. Trust me, my elves are completely trustworthy.

Cadderly: Speaking of elves, how much do they get paid?

Santa: I think this interview is over.

Cadderly: What are you afraid of? Are you concerned that the world might find out about your North Pole sweat shop? Do those elves even get a paycheck? How many hours do they work every week? 40 hours? 80 hours?

Santa: My elves are all volunteers. I mean, it’s not like they have a ton of career options.

Cadderly: I see. So you find these elves that have nowhere else to go and you offer them shelter in exchange for slave labor.

Santa: Seriously, son. What’s wrong with you?

Cadderly: I’m a reporter, Mr. Claus. It’s my job to find the truth.

Santa: Is this about that toy truck I got you when you were twelve?

Cadderly: NO!

Santa: Look, William… I’m sorry about that truck. I made an executive decision. I know it wasn’t the Ken doll you asked for, but I thought it might do you some good to have a toy that was a bit more… I dunno… traditional. The other kids already teased you relentlessly. I didn’t want to add to that.

Cadderly: There’s nothing wrong with a boy asking for a Ken doll!

Santa: I agree. I hate it when children are shoved into gender roles. I admit, it was a mistake. You asked for a Ken doll, you should’ve gotten a Ken doll. Please understand, my intentions were good. It’s just that the other kids already had so much to go on because you took your Mac & Me play set to “Show and Tell.”

Cadderly: Mac & Me was a great movie! They can chant, “E.T. is better” all they want. Mac & Me rocked!

Santa: Okay, okay. I’m just saying that’s why I wanted to help you with a toy truck. Something normal for a growing boy. And you gotta’ admit, the toy truck was very nice. Top-of-the-line.

Cadderly: It was very useless. I couldn’t even play with it.

Santa: I don’t understand.

Cadderly: It was an empty truck! There was no driver in the driver’s seat. How was I supposed to play with that? “Hey, look everybody! Here’s my parked truck. The owner must be in the store or something.”

Santa: You could have put one of your action figures in it. The truck’s doors opened.

Cadderly: The action figures weren’t the correct size! Believe me, I know. I measured them. The closest was my G.I. Joe toys, but they were approximately 1.5 inches too small to be the correct size to drive that truck. Proportionately, it just looked unrealistic.

Santa: You’re a very strange man.

Cadderly: You’re a [censored].

Santa: Whoah.

Cadderly: That Ken doll would’ve been awesome. He was a total lady’s man. Perfect hair. Perfect teeth. Snazzy clothes. He was like the James Bond of the toy world. But no… I got a driverless truck.

Santa: Tell you what. This Christmas, you might just find that Ken doll under your tree. Would you like that?

Cadderly: I would’ve liked it 20 years ago. I’m a grown man now, you condescending [censored].

Santa: That was uncalled for.

Cadderly: You know what else was uncalled for? Giving me a parked truck for Christmas!

Santa: It didn’t have to be parked. You could’ve just pretended—

Cadderly: IT HAD NO DRIVER!

Santa: This interview is definitely over.

Cadderly: You’re [censored] [censored] right it’s over, you [censored] [censored] sweat-shop running son of a [censored] [censored] [censored].

Santa: I’m leaving now.

Cadderly: Wait!

Santa: Yes?

Cadderly: I’ll take the Ken doll this year. Just as a… symbolic thing.

Santa: Of course, of course. Symbolic. You got it.

Cadderly: Merry Christmas, Santa.

Santa: Merry Christmas, Cadderly.

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