Ugh! That guy – Titanic

by Ryan on December 21, 2013



Mr. unpopular

Welcome to Ugh! that guy where I take something, break it down, and tell you what I think of it!  William was talking about Titanic the other day in the office, so what better place to start than there!

Titanic is the 1997 cinematic equivalent of a lobotomy. IMDB Info here    What a steaming pile of dump.  Spoiler alert stop reading if for some reason you haven’t seen this yet.

Where to start, first off  Billy Zane’s character is the only character that’s worth watching.  He’s rich, handsome, and he’s a bit of a dick, but it’s the Early 1900′s. (He’s allowed) Here are a few reasons Titanic sucked.

Click to Enlarge

Click to Enlarge

1) Jack ”lucks” out by winning two tickets for the Titanic in a game of poker.  We know the fate of the RMS Titanic’s maiden voyage, so we know it’s not very lucky.  In reality the music should go  like this when he wins.  But it doesn’t, so bad marks in creativity.  25 minutes into the movie, and we know what happens in the 3rd act?  The boat sinks making this movie too predictable.  I think it would have been more interesting if it focused more on Hockley, or at least the hint of a Sea Serpent, but that’s just me.

Hint:  The Night Stand Says it all Click to enlarge

Hint: The Night Stand Says it all Click to enlarge

2)  Rose was a hoochie, and an inconsiderate old bat.  Before your jaw drops realize the Titanic sailed for a total of 4 and a half days before it sank in 1912.  Rose is engaged to the very rich and powerful Cal Hockley. She meets a new guy, and has sex with him in under 4 days.  At the very end old lady Rose climbs onto the railing of the ship she’s on, and she tosses the Heart of the Ocean over the side.  Her granddaughter who apparently takes care of her, could have been left this very valuable item in her will.

Click to read quote from Jack Burton

Click to read quote from Jack Burton

3)  Jack Burton wasn’t in this movie.  Since the inevitable sinking of the ship starts about half way through, it made since to me if some supernatural baddie and Hockley team up.  Could you imagine how much more exciting the sinking scenes would have been?  Ship going vertical, people falling to their death, Hockley has been in control of a sea monster the entire time.  Which raises the question why did the Titanic sink?

Click to Enlarge

Click to Enlarge

4)  There is no real resolution between Jack, Rose, and Cal.  No fist fight, no killing, nothing!  It would have been much better if Cal shot Jack and that’s how he dies, not simply because Rose is too stingy to share the wooden doohickey at the end?  He chases them below deck, takes a couple of shots at them and that’s it. (Boo) I just wish there was a more solid resolution between the three, that would have made it better for me.  Would it have felt less like a win if Hockley killed Jack?  Are you honestly totally satisfied the way Jack dies?

Much Worse than the notebook5)  The very end of the movie, old selfish (as her mother correctly called her in the movie) Rose dies.  Which is fine with me, except when she goes off to the afterlife she joins Jack and the other members of the Titanic?!  Rose lives her whole life, marries another man, has children by this man, and her afterlife involves some guy she had a three night fling with on a boat 85 years ago?  We know her children are not from the sex in the back of the car with Jack.  She tells her granddaughter the big spill at the end about, her grandfather never knew about Jack, and woman’s heart is like a deep ocean or some terrible crap like that.  She has kids so she had to be happy with this man.  We know Rose would not stay with someone she didn’t love.  She had a rich man (Hockley) she didn’t love, and she left him.   So she had to love him, she raised this mans kids, cooked him breakfast, rubbed his feet when he came home from work.  I can only imagine times got rough with the great depression just around the corner.  He apparently dies first, and her afterlife involves the Titanic victims and Jack?!  What a big steamy 3 hour pile of dookie.

Titanic gets two and a half (Out of 10) Kurt Russell heads from the movie Poseidon.  If you are in the mood for a Ship Tragedy movie, see Poseidon or maybe even The Perfect Storm.  While either is a better movie than Titanic,  only one sort of has Jack Burton.

2.5 out of 10

2.5 out of 10

Questions? Comments. Hate Mail!  I’m wanting to do a band for the next article.  Feel free to give me ideas, there are so many bands I hate it’s almost too hard to pick.  Happy Holidays!!!

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Garv December 21, 2013 at 10:48

Any movie is exponentially made better by the addition of Jack Burton.

cook brothers September 18, 2014 at 22:11

Hello my family member! I want to say that this post is amazing, nice written and include almost all significant infos.
I’d like to look more posts like this .

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