The Quiet Room office building is not your normal office building. As you may have seen in past postings of pictures or other articles, we have held boxing competitions on the roof, water polio (yes, water polio, it did not go over well), golf, hockey, and other athletic competitions among a group of not very athletic employees. We have talked about movies, television shows, books, music, toys, and sports. We have also conducted interviews, we try to get local artists to feature, and sometimes, we have even been able to interview some iconic figures, such as Santa Claus.
When I first graduated from the esteemed Dickenson County School for Journalism*, I had set lofty goals for my career. I wanted to cover the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona; I wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before; I wanted to have a woman touch my naughty places; I wanted to be recognized as a true great in journalism; I wanted to conduct an interview with my idol; I wanted to explore outer space and be the first human to meet an alien species and…OK, moving on. I am proud to say that I have successfully crossed off ONE of these goals ( I finally got a woman to touch my naughty places), and today, I can make that two. I present to you, for the first time here at The Quiet Room, my interview with Cobra Commander.
Due to Cobra Commander’s status as being wanted by the government on charges of treason; murder; conspiracy to commit murder; unlawful flight to avoid prosecution; aggravated assault; aggravated kidnapping; racketeering; money laundering; counterfeiting; theft from an international shipment; theft from interstate shipment; armed robbery; securities fraud; insurance fraud; pyramid schemes; illegal arms sales; illegal arms purchasing; advocating the forceful overthrow of the United States government; distributing with disloyal intent materials teaching or advising the forceful overthrow of the United States government; organizing a group with the intent to overthrow the United States government; terrorism; espionage; sabotage; insurrection; and animal cruelty for kicking a puppy; we felt it best for legal purposes to conduct the interview with Cobra Commander via Skype, with him being at an undisclosed location.
And now, it is my great pleasure and distinct honor to present to you, Cobra Commander!
JF: First of all, welcome, Commander! This is a great honor to be speaking with you today. May I call you Commander? Or do you prefer a different title?
CC: Thank you for reaching out to me. It is important that my voice be heard. You may call me Commander, that will be fine. And may I say, that office looks very small.
JF: Yeah, it really is. I was led to believe I would be getting a corner office, but I think this was once a supply closet. It’s rather cramped. Maybe if this interview goes well enough, I can finally be recognized and Garv will give me a corner office.
CC: A corner office? Is that all you aspire to have? Do you not want more for yourself and your family?
JF: Well, it’s an entry level position, so I have to work with what they give me. But I am trying really hard to be a success. I really want to go places, as they say.
CC: Cobra can take you places, my organization can provide you with tremendous opportunities.
JF: I will keep that in mind. Let’s discuss your organization. What was your reason for founding Cobra?
CC: Why, I founded Cobra to benefit those in need, to aid humanity, to be a friend to the downtrodden. I aspire to spread commerce and bring prosperity to the people. It is the American way.
JF: That doesn’t sound anything like what the media has described over the years. The Cobra organization has traditionally been labelled a terrorist group. We have always been told that your purpose is one of global domination.
CC: Come now, do you truly believe everything that the corporate media tells you? Surely you realize that media outlets only release information to the masses after it has been tailored to incite fear into the population. When was the last time you watched a news broadcast or read a newspaper or a website that reported happy comforting stories? You cannot name the last time you did, can you? Your government and its corporate masters want you all to live in fear. Every report is chosen to fulfill this purpose. Hate anyone that is different, fear them, trust in your government for protection. This is what is happening, and has been happening, for some time.
JF: Those are some bold claims, Commander. I hardly think…
CC: These are the hard, simple truths, you and all the rest refuse to see it, your eyes are shrouded, your judgement misguided. Cobra has avowed to change all that for the people. We want to return to them lost freedoms. We want to give back to the people. We want them to live in happiness and to feel secure without giving up freedoms in exchange for security.
JF: I hardly think that I am blinded to the truth, as you say, Commander, I am rather intelligent, and…
CC: Please, allow me to continue. And don’t toot your own horn, America really has issues with arrogance. That is another problem with the corporate media, your nation has been conditioned to be overly sensitive and weak.
CC: I founded Cobra years ago, after the system failed me, as it has failed so many in your nation.I once owned a used car lot, and I was struggling to keep my business open. Then, my brother was killed in an automobile accident that was caused by a family en route to the airport to pick up their son. He had just returned home from war, horrifically injured, and due to his traumatic experiences, his family was distraught. I imagine the father was overcome with grief about his son’s condition, and he lost control of his car, killing my brother along with his wife and daughter in a head-on collision. Had the United States not been involved in an unnecessary war, that young soldier’s family and my brother would all still be alive today.
JF: Now, Commander, you can hardly blame the government for that.
CC: Your comment is noted,but never tell me what I cannot do. I founded Cobra, what have you achieved?
JF: I apologize. Let’s continue. You were telling us your brother had been tragically killed, you had a struggling auto sales business, what happened next? How did these events lead you to form Cobra?
CC: When Dan was killed, I was devastated. I felt angry and some say disillusioned. As a result, I may or may not have used all of my savings and funds from my business to hire a couple of so-called assassins to track down the young soldier in Japan and eliminate him. And I may or may not have lost my business and my home to foreclosure. And my wife may or may not have abandoned me and my young son. I am not here to incriminate myself, after all.
JF: Naturally. What happened next?
CC: I traveled the country with my son, Billy, seeking out others like myself, those that had lost everything due to the system, the forgotten, the unfortunate, and I began to give them hope. These men and women nominated me to be their voice, to speak on their behalf, to represent them and speak out against the atrocities that had befallen them. More and more people began to support our cause. We received numerous donations from like-minded individuals who wanted to see the system fail. We then based ourselves in a small town called Springfield, this poor town, all the businesses were failing, just as mine had. The townspeople decided that I should be their savior. This became our organization’s base of operations.
JF: How did you decide upon the name “Cobra” for your new organization?
CC: It was actually from a speech I was giving one day in Springfield, I was angry, as we had lost 3 more locally owned businesses that week. A Super Wal-Mart had just opened off the interstate, and we just couldn’t compete. The state government gave them a tax break for moving in. I was so angry, I got a little carried away and may or may not have said, “I’m not going to be ground under the wheels of big government!… I’m going to create an underground organization that will bypass government restrictions, and garner power through terrorism and extortion!… I won’t stop until my organization coils around the whole world like a giant cobra!” I can’t be sure if that is what I really said, it sounds like a quote taken out of context. I do remember I had been drinking heavily that day. This is further evidence of the corporate media manipulating your minds!
JF: You now have a town, you have all of the population behind you, you have financial backing, you have a name, how do you explain the armed operatives that began patrolling your streets?
CC: We lost all state funding for our police department, quickly followed by other emergency personnel. We had no businesses left, we had to train ourselves to protect ourselves. The government forgot about us, we were left to fend for ourselves. We formed a paramilitary unit for defense. Our citizens needed protection.
JF: Why did you not just stay in Springfield, why branch out to other towns, and eventually other countries?
CC: Springfield had finally become a nice town to live in, we began to thrive. I was able to ensure new businesses to move into town. I then decided to help others in need, others exactly like us. A couple of our operatives went rogue, and stole some experimental weaponry and kidnapped a scientist in the process. Naturally,this attracted the attention of the government, and they sent counter-terrorism forces to cease our operations. So, I had my legal team, researchers, and scientists devise a strategy for us to have our very own sovereign nation.
JF: Is this nation you refer to Cobra Island?
CC: Yes, it is. We were in the Gulf of Mexico, in international waters, having one of these strategy sessions on one of my yachts, when United States fighter jets dropped a few bombs in our vicinity. The strangest thing then occurred, the bombs triggered volcanic eruption on a fault line, and an island formed. We just happened to be in the right place at the right time, as they say, and we claimed the land as ours. It held up in the courts, we were now a sovereign nation, operating entirely within legal parameters.
JF: That is fascinating. It seems highly coincidental, some theorize that you may have had a hand in orchestrating the entire ordeal.
CC: Hogwash! More lies being used to smear our good name. The media has continually portrayed me as either a bumbling idiot, as in those cartoons from years ago; an egotistical tyrant in the comic books; even a diabolical warlord willing to destroy cities around the world in those movies. It’s all very emotionally draining and depressing.
(At this point someone can be heard speaking to Cobra Commander off screen)
Male Voice: Commander, the final preparations for the M.A.S.S. Device are complete. Now the world will bow to your demands after this demonstration of Cobra’s true power!
CC: (looking off screen and holding his hand over the camera, speaking in an irritated but hushed tone) Shut up, Doctor Mindbender, I am in the middle of an interview. I am trying to persuade this interviewer and sway him to our cause. Do you realize how many people we can reach with the power of the internet? This website is read by millions! Think of the recruits and benefactors we could reach! Our plans would be even closer to our grasp!
MB: Ahh, very good plan, Commander, a great way to spread the Cobra cause. I need to inform the M.A.S.S. team of your estimated arrival time. Are you almost finished here?
CC: Yes, nearly. Tell them I will be there in 5 more minutes. Then, the world will feel Cobra’s influence! Off you go, Mindbender.
CC: (the Commander now lowers his hand and turns back to the screen) My apologies for the interruption, but it seems I have pressing business matters that must be addressed. Can we continue this interview at a later time?
JF: What type of business matters would those be? And what are the final preparations that guy was talking about?
CC: Oh, those? You heard all that? The preparations he was referring to is a simple war-games exercise, just maneuvers to keep our men and women in excellent physical shape and tactically sharp. And as for the business matters, they are nothing major, just some contract negotiations, working out the details of a few mergers. It’s all a bit complicated.
JF: So, where are these contract negotiations taking place? And the war-games sound really fun. Is it like Airsoft or paintball?
CC: That information cannot be disclosed at this time. I am sure you will hear all about the results on the news. But, I will offer you an exclusive interview after the negotiations take place. Once I get all the details worked out, and the initial shock of the merger dies down, we can set up another time to continue this conversation. And yes, it’s like Airsoft or paintball.
JF: And if I signed up with Cobra, I could play in these war-games for free?
CC: Yes, you could participate in as many war-games encounters as you wanted, as long as you survive the first one, you move on to the next. Prove your excellence, and you can advance rapidly in Cobra.
JF: I am definitely going to think about joining up with Cobra, it sounds like a fun group to belong to.
JF: Thank you, Commander, I look forward to speaking with you again.
CC: Thank you for having me today. Until next time, COBRA!
At this point, the transmission ended. I really feel bad for the Commander, he seems like such a positive inspiration for all those out there who have endured hard times. I really do think he is misunderstood. I really want to hear more of his story, and I want to hear more about all the good Cobra does for people all around the world. I know that the world could use a lot more people like Cobra Commander. I think the war-games will be a lot of fun. I am going to put in a request for Garv to get us all Airsoft equipment so we can have a few battles in the alley behind the office. And who knows, after playing, they might want to join Cobra too!
I am really proud of this interview. I can now cross off another goal I had set for myself. I hope that this will garner recognition in journalism and I can then cross off a third goal. I am going to go ahead and add obtaining a corner office to the list, as well. I have a feeling things are about to look up for me.
About the author: (From the files of Garv) Josh Fisher, what can be said about this guy that hasn’t been said already? Well, first off, he’s a moron. He actually thinks that supply closet is an office. We laughed all day at him when he tried to get that little desk and chair in there. He doesn’t even have a window. Everyday at lunch he stumbles over the desk and tumbles to the floor, partly due to his clumsiness and lack of room and he has to climb over the desk, and partly due to the chemicals in the closet that have made him light-headed. We really just give him busy work, as a favor to my wife, so he feels important. So we encourage you to email him so he feels he is doing a good job at firstname.lastname@example.org. Or leave a comment, one of us will have to read it to him.
*The Dickenson County School for Journalism is a fictional institute and is not accredited. Please ignore this jackass.